The Places You Are Hiding Your Drugs, According To The DEA

Anyone familiar with how teens operate should be doubtful of your teenager hoarding a colossal stash of drugs in their alarm clock, especially if they own an iPhone. But with all of the new drug codes and ways to sneak drugs in and out of homes, the DEA wants to help arm parents with knowledge on the matter. But in doing so, they simultaneously armed kids with the same tips. Now they know about a whole new feature on their graphing calculator, and it’s not getting the graph to spell out “BOOB.”

All parents strive to have an open and honest relationship with their teens. However, if your young loved one is dealing with drug addiction, they often become secretive, and as parents you may find answers in their rooms or vehicles. For those facing this serious issue, here are a few common places your teen could be hiding drugs.

Alarm Clocks

Completely unaware this piece of technology is headed the way of pagers and fax machines, the DEA warns parents to keep an eye on their teens’ alarm clocks. According to the sleuths at the DEA, children can easily stash a baggies of drugs in the battery hatch.

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The agent who wrote this discovery probably grew up in the ’90s. Aside from the fact that the modern teen uses their smartphone or stereo system as an alarm, this warning also assumes teenagers know what batteries are.

Candy containers and wrappers

The DEA finally confirms what all parents already thought: candy is bad. With drugs like ecstasy or weed edibles resembling, or actually being, sweets, the agency asks mom and dad to monitor their child’s candy wrappers. The last time you checked on your kid’s candy was seven Halloweens ago, so expect some resistance from your child when you snatch away their Altoids container in search of Xanax.

Car interior

Searching an entire vehicle makes for a daunting task, but the DEA thinks you parents can handle it. They suggest to start by searching the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the steering wheel, and the trunk.

Also, kids, when you get pulled over, police will likely start by searching the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the steering wheel, and the trunk. Hmm…this list is beginning to seem counter-productive.

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Games consoles

Agents point out how game consoles boast numerous small compartments that provide hiding places for drugs, singling out PlayStation, Xbox, and Wii in particular. If you ever owned a console as a kid, you understand a fleck of dust in a controller socket can steer your character off a map. With that in mind, no teen will risk ruining a disc drive over a few loose nuggets of ganja.

Graphing Calculators

Is your D-student suddenly totally into algebra or calculus all of a sudden? Time to p*ss test that punk! That’s not motivation, that’s crank-induced elation.

In the eyes of the DEA, the battery compartment of a graphing calculator makes for an excellent spot to hide drugs. But this would require students to take the batteries out of their device, and no teen raised on instant message and Top Ramen wants to endure the drama of long division.

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Highlighter pens

Agents from the DEA want you to know the ‘AP’ in ‘AP Student’ stands for “amphetamine popping.” While you thought your child used their highlighters for reference and studies, the DEA discovered teens were using them for drugs. A name like highlighter never gets past the Sherlocks of the FBI.

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Your kid got this idea after you reluctantly let them stay up and watch The Shawshank Redemption. If posters can hide a secret tunnel, they can definitely hide drug filled baggies taped to their backsides. You child loves One Direction, but they love their oxy more! Limit their drug-intake and their self-expression by demanding they take down all their room’s decorations, just in case.


Clumsy-Calvin is at long last growing into his feet, right? Wrong, Karen! His shoes are too big because he stuffed the tippy-top of his new kicks with ketamine. You fooled nobody with this trick, Calvin, because everyone knows what they say about a guy with big feet: big stash.

Heating vent

Teens can tape their drug-filled baggies inside of the heating vent in his or her room. The DEA reminds parents to check their heating vents before turning the heat up for winter. Why? Because your kid decided to hide a brick of coke in there after watching Blow too many times. Or because he saw DEA’s say this was a great place to hide it. Be careful what you expose your kids to!

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Teddy bears

The DEA notes the inside seams of stuffed animals, like a bear, provide excellent hiding spots for drugs. Cartels use this smuggling method, and your kids just now decided to catch up. But before you cut their beloved teddy-bear open, you better have a good idea of what you’re going to find inside, Mom and Dad. Gutting a precious childhood friend can drive a kid to things like . . . drugs.

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